It’s Friday and that means it is time for the The PFoL Awards. Last week we kicked things off with Sean Penn. Today we welcome one of my favorite actors into the fold, Gary Oldman. He’s played a number of different characters in his career and that makes using him as part of our weekly wrap up easy to do. So without further ado, I present the PFoL Gary Oldman Awards!
The Gary Oldman ‘Blow Me! That Wanker Is Crazier Than Sid Vicious’ Award
This award is being presented to the 70 year old guy who somehow managed to….are you ready for this? Get a fork stuck in his penis. Yes, a fork. Apparently, this is not something new:
According to the report’s authors, this isn’t the first time that a man has attempted to insert a foreign object into his nether regions. Pens, safety pins, telephone cables, glue, cocaine, straws, marbles, light bulbs, carrots and snakes, among other strange things, have allegedly been found stuck in penises in the past.
Carrots. I got nothing.
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The Gary Oldman ‘Norman Stansfield Said To Go Back Inside’ Award
This award is being given to Republican Representative Steve King of Iowa. I don’t care if his constituents like him. He’s an embarrassment. He’s so bad he was called out by John Boehner for the following remarks:
“For everyone who’s a valedictorian, there’s another 100 out there who weigh 130 pounds–and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert,” King asserted.
Wut? Seriously? Add to that the fact that a mere 60 people showed up at King’s “End Amnesty” rally and you have a recipe for failure. And here is the clip where the above image is derived. Just replace “Why don’t you leave that poor family alone?” with “Why don’t you listen to me on immigration?”
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The Gary Oldman ‘You’ve Just Killed Jim Gordon With That News’ Award
Ben Affleck is going to play Batman in the next Superman movie. I’d look like Jim Gordon does here as well, if I were him.
I’m done.
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The Gary Oldman ‘Drexl Spivey Says They Got Everything Here From A Diddled-Eyed Joe To Damned If I Know What The F**k You Sayin’ Award
This award goes to the producers of the show ‘Honey Boo Boo’ who actually have to sub-title it so people can understand. Yes America, a show about an American family has to contain sub-titles because the “stars” are so difficult to understand.
We live in interesting times.
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The Gary Oldman ‘Good Thing Beethoven Was Deaf And Didn’t Have To Hear Conversations Like That’ Award
We are in the “summer doldrums” as they are often referred to. Not much going on in the political world. We’re still a couple of weeks away from when the pennant race really heats up in baseball and we’re still stuck with NFL pre-season football. The new television season doesn’t launch for a few more weeks. I guess that’s why some people have conversations on Twitter about the following:
Yes, conversations about the quality of summer lettuce. Sigh.
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The Gary Oldman “Bob Filner Is Creepier Than Sheldon Runyon’ Award
Seems serial groper Bob Filner might actually do something right and resign as Mayor of San Diego. I guess after learning of him getting jiggy with it on great-grandmothers, headlocks for others and making people happy to see Gloria Alred, the fictional Congressman with bad hair, awful suits and obsession with Joan Allen’s character and whether or not she took part in an orgy (and made his own wife get an abortion!) seems downright normal.
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The Gary Oldman ‘Yeah I’m A Vampire But I Can Laugh Too’ Award
This prestigious award goes to CNN for coming up with this howler of a headline as it relates to President Barack Obama:
Do You Think Obama’s Doing A Good Job?
All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh and speaking of ‘Obama……’
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The Gary Oldman ‘If You Thought Jackie Flannery Was A Crazy Drunk Irishman’ Award
Flannery has obviously never run up against this guy:
Chris Matthews made the ridiculous argument that by referring to the President merely as “Obama” that it is an attempt by the GOP to “delegitimize” Barack Hussein.
Well, how about that CNN story? They called him Obama. What a bunch of racists.
And that’s it for this edition of the weekly PFoL Awards. As always, give us suggestions as to which celebrity would make for a good awards post!